"I'd rather own little & see the world than own the world and see little of it."

"I'd rather own little & see the world than own the world and see little of it."

Have you ever had one of those moments where you need to change your environment or shake things up in your life to break the routine or stale energy? I had this experience last Monday morning. By Monday afternoon, I requested three days off work to visit my sister in Tacoma, WA (near Seattle). By Tuesday evening, my husband Donald bought my plane ticket blindly on Expedia.com. Why did I do this? I just needed an opportunity to reset, outside of my North Bay, CA home environment. I fully acknowledge the privilege that is involved with being able to travel and leave at the drop of a hat. In reality, this decision was shared carefully with me and my husband - we reviewed our life budget and made it work. I am only here for 2.5 days. Not enough time to even sneeze. However, out of all the places to choose to vacation to I chose the Seattle area to specifically see my sister Leilani.

I am ten pounds away from my weight loss goal. I feel like I am stuck. My sister though is kicking ass and taking names. She has dropped well over 50 lbs and is close to reversing her Type II Diabetes. I just landed late last night after work from San Francisco, and she already booked me for our Wednesday morning kickboxing class (which did kick my ass). She is living life to the beat of her own drum and not letting money (or lack there of) stop her from living. I haven't even spent 24 hours with her and I have already confirmed I am living waaaaaaaay outside of my means and I can do better. You can live life to its fullest without going broke. You can experience adventure without going broke. There is no such thing as broke - it's living within your life budget.

You might be wondering: "Wow Mo, your husband Donald is so supportive of you just whisking off on vacation without a moment's notice." Yes and no. He is supportive, but the main reason why he worked our life budget to make this happen was because I needed a break to renew and re-balance my mental health. I have branded myself as #MoOnTheGo - I thrive on being busy - or so I thought. I needed a break from work, personal commitments, community work, emails, social media, and technology (yes I know it's ironic considering I am writing this blog post on my tech hiatus). I didn't tell anyone really where I was going. My husband agreed to this trip if I promised to put an away message on both my work AND personal email, plus not post on social media. Keep this trip quiet and sacred.  I know it sounds crazy, but I NEVER put on my away message on personal email. Last time I did that was 2012 - I didn't even do that for my own wedding last year! The moment I got off the plane at Sea-Tac, I felt relaxed. I felt unchained from checking email and my social media accounts. To continue this relaxed feeling, my sister decided to take me to the Tacoma Museum today. I literally sat in front of a video of an outdoor installation of inflatable tubes flapping in the wind on a 20 minute loop. I SAT STILL. My sister found me in the museum and was shocked that I was just sitting there quietly. You are probably thinking: "Twenty minutes? What's the big deal?" For someone nicknamed #MoOnTheGo this 20 minutes meant everything. We even wrapped up our visit with 20 minutes in the creative art making room. Leilani and I sat across from each other. She painted a picture of a bowl of fruit. I drew a sketch of my sister with the bowl of fruit she was painting. We hung them on the art wall with pride. I am taking them back to California to give as a gift to our mom. I am 32 years old. The last time I sat down and drew a picture the way I did today I was a teenager and before that I was in middle school. There we were sitting in complete silence. The only sound you heard was my pencil brushing against the paper and my sister's watercolor brush on her sheet of paper.

I am sharing this because by sitting in silence or in stillness I am shaking away discomfort. I am uncomfortable with silence and stillness. I am uncomfortable with rest. By having a neverending list of things to do, I am not able to prioritize what I really need to do or want to finish. For example, I am in the process of going back to school to finish my MBA. I walked in 2011 with two classes and a capstone project to finish. I finished my capstone project and passed, but never finished those last two classes. I am here sitting in front of my laptop sitting in a coffee shop in Gig Harbor, WA while my sister is running errands with only two goals - 1) finishing this blog entry 2) writing my MBA personal statement to be able to re-apply into my unfinished graduate school program.

Now is the time for me to crowd out the noise. This trip to see my sister was a gift from a higher power and I don't want to waste it.

I know my thoughts are all over the place, but I often delay my goals because I strive for perfection which in the end prevents me from even starting in the first place. Not this time - I am striving for the first raw draft. 

Do Or Do Not. There Is No Try.

I started this blog in 2009 as a way to vent but also connect with other folks who were on a journey to a healthier version of them. Originally this blog was about my weight loss journey, but morphed into an on-line therapy support group or ever dare I say it - electronic confessional. Now it is 2017 and I am coming back to the essence of why I started writing in the first place: an opportunity to reflect and hold myself accountable especially to a world of strangers (who eventually actually became my real life friends!).

But enough about that. Why am I back? A new journey for me has started. My husband Donald and I have decided to do whatever it took to start a family - now in our 30s we were in a tougher spot physically both weighing over 300 lbs. We made a heavy decision for our family in 2016 - we decided to pursue weight loss surgery. In a future post, I will dedicate a whole entry as to why we decided to go down this route and it was not a decision that came lightly by any means. There are a lot of emotional, physical, and psychological factors involved including addressing stress, food addiction, and other things that we try to bury by eating food for comfort.

**Disclaimer: I am not encouraging folks to go down this route. This is the journey my husband and I are taking. At the end of the day we will still have to eat well and exercise but in summary it gives us the ability to reboot our bodies.**

My husband weighed 324 lbs. in January 2017. This was the same number that was my heaviest weight. We used 2016 as a year to see if we could lose the weight again. We both had experiences in our 20's losing about 100 lbs each but something happened in our 30s where it was much harder to lose the weight.

I am pretty sure you have questions like: "Wait. Why are you choosing surgery as an option? You lost it before, you can do it again!" or "What's wrong with you? Why can't you finish it?" or "Surgery? Really? Isn't that just an out?" 

Ah yes. Trust me. I had these questions roll through my own head, plus the good old "Wow you are a failure" attitude. Here's the thing: Everyone chooses different journeys towards a healthier life. This one is mine. Is it the end all be all solution? HECK NO. Is it for everyone? HECK NO.  

We never considered weight loss surgery before because we used to be big losers and we could do it again, or so we thought. By the beginning of 2017 we moved to at least exploring what surgery and life post-surgery would be like. My husband I were both tasked to lose about 30 lbs each in order to qualify (among other guidelines - p.s. we had different insurance carriers, therefore different activities related to our programs). Long story short, he lost the weight and had his gastric sleeve surgery in May. Today he is in his 240s and is feeling healthier and more confident.

And then there is me. 
I am 10 lbs away from my goal weight! Yay! Right? Um. No. I have been 10 lbs away since July. What is holding me back from getting to goal? Am I really ready for this surgery? Do I even want it?

Short answer: Do Or Do Not. There Is No Try.

I have many friends in my previous weight loss journey who were inspired by my original journey, lost the weight and kept it off. Now I have other friends who started their weight loss surgery pre-op activities and were inspired by me and lost the weight and now are post-op surgery. Do you see a pattern? I'll connect the dots - I have given my time to other people, places, and things and not dedicating the same focus for me. Now it is the end of September and I am still 10 lbs away. New goal is to qualify for surgery this Fall to have surgery before the end of 2017. Now is not the time to half-ass this process anymore. 

I am not going to try to make time for exercise. I WILL DO.

I am not going to try to eat healthy everyday. I WILL DO.

I am going to try to keep my Sundays open for my meal prep day. I WILL DO.

Simply put: Do Or Do Not. There Is No Try.

I WILL try something NEW everyday.

I WILL take time out every day to sit still.

I WILL achieve my goal by October 31, 2017 because goals without deadlines are just dreams.

I am done with dreaming. #OverIt